Cracked Cub Online

For A Laugh

2008-07-03T10:54:20Z

Thought everyone would appreciate a good laugh with a fantastic Mad TV skit with Debra Wilson...

Dorky Nostalgia

2008-07-02T17:20:34Z

I just came across this on youtube and could not resist posting it. Dorkish computer game fans will almost certainly remember it - everyone else will have no clue. For those people, this is the intro movie Planescape: Torment - the computer game that could have been a book (and may have been?)...

Cracked Cub Online #22 - Psychic Insect Powers! (and lots of other stuff that actually takes up more time in the podcast but sounds less cool)

2008-07-01T19:06:15Z

Direct Link Here

-voicemail(yes, actual voicemail!) from weegie
-fireworks are illegal in new jersey
-pad everything! protect the children!
-hoping the california fires end soon
-fires in orlando years ago
-my sexy obnoxious voice message
-loving pizzababe
-porking the hell out of ryan
-muffled sound is less important than my back
-swinging all the fuck over the place
-jumping to conclusions
-loving pizzababe again
-baby praying mantis
-psychic insect powers
-what can I do that is of worth?
-I want to help
-relating one on one
-crowds jam my frequencies
-loving pizzababe yet again
-we never know how much we help others
-loneliness is an illusion
-it is all about helping eachother
-is seeing the beauty in yourself really a good thing?
-a mid point between humility and conceit
-plans for tonight
-I'm not givin' up
-until next time...

Cracked Cub Online #21 : The Nature of Imperfection

2008-06-30T16:47:59Z

http://crackedcubonline.com/2008/06/30/cracked-cub-online-21--the-nature-of-imperfection.aspx

-black and white is calming
-in the new place
-a little numb
-place is still a mess
-I actually am centered on cam - damn!
-another vid cast coming
-defending new jersey's honor!
-attacking newark's honor!
-I love my miss pizzababe
-more on numbness (repeating myself here huh?)
-finding the confidence to write
-INFP thats me! (did I actually just type that?)
-more pill popping memories
-loving imperfection in others
-hating imperfection in myself
-a core of self doubt
-if you think your work is perfect you're in trouble
-imperfection creates perfection
-tales from writing class
-conceit is an ugly thing
-wishing for perfection is a paradox
-scary time in my life
-which way am I facing??
-until next time...

Taking It Back

2008-06-27T10:18:17Z

I'm up for a while this morning after getting a few hours of sleep. Just after I woke up I spent a few minutes looking out of the windows at the mountains in the distance (shockingly New Jersey does have mountains - smallish tree covered ones but mountains nonetheless!). As I looked out at them, at the beauty of the view here, I decided that panic attacks and the occasional dramatic flare up of hopelessness tied into my wonky brain unit are small prices to pay in order to witness all the things that are amazing in this world.

So I'm a little fucked up, so I say too much sometimes and too little others, so I don't always do what's best for me - its all just life. And life is almost never as bad as we, or at least I, think it is. Fuck knows it's worth staying in it just to see what will happen next. So here I am, staying in it.

#21 is coming soon - #20 is temporarily down but will be re-posted along with #21.

Losing It

2008-06-27T03:58:31Z

I haven't been sleeping much, maybe ten hours over the last three days. Moving into a new place is never a smooth experience, and doing so with far too little sleep is even less so. I am here now though, in the new place, and all that remains is to finish unpacking. Still though, I am not sleeping now. Too tired to sleep, so tired the off switch to my waking state has jammed in its casing. So I stay awake, and I think.

My mind is full as I sit here, full of jagged, ugly possibilities - full of paranoia, full of fear. There is logic, but it is drowned out by the screams of my anxieties. And I do not even know what I fear to begin with, only that there is no escaping it, no quieting it. All I seem to be able to do is linger under the weight of it all, my guts twisting and full of pain from the evilness of my own thoughts. I am skewering myself, that is certain - but I cannot seem to stop.

I cannot say that I am particularly confident, nor can I say I am well adjusted - but the level of hatred I feel directed inward upon myself is far beyond any reason I can understand. Do I deserve what I am putting myself through? If I do not, why am I putting myself through it? Why can't I stop? Why can't I snap out of it and think of what is good and see the lines that separate what is real and what is illusion - what is within me and what is truly going on outside of me?

Perhaps it is a question of sanity. This may seem odd to some, as sanity is so often measured by a person's outward aggression and violence. A man who assaults, or stalks, or murders is most certainly lacking in sanity no? But what of a man who is no danger to others, but turns all of that violence inward and drives it into himself? Is such a man sane? Am I sane even as I dismantle myself emotionally and drive knives into all the softest and most vulnerable bits of myself? Filling my insides with the blood of old wounds that I refuse to let close, opening new wounds through the power of my imagination - is that what a sane man does to himself?

Then I suppose there are so few who would qualify for sanity in this world. I am not the least bit odd in my condition, so many millions of people are slowly gnawing themselves to death. The methods vary, but the results are all so very similar. There is nothing quite so human as self destruction, even if we are blind to the final toll that must be paid for indulging in it.

I do not want to destroy myself. I do not want to lock myself into solitude. I do not want to witness my empathy withering down into hardened, calloused bits of rage. I do not want to die. I want to live. I want to feel. I want to connect. I want to be seen. I want to see. I want to be loved. I want to love.

All of this is so very raw of course, so uncomfortable to write - and for some uncomfortable to read - but I don't know what else to do with it. I cannot keep it inside of me, and I cannot bottle it up into a text file so I can return to it another day and allow it to sink its teeth into me all over again. I can put it down here. I can let it out into the world and let it find who it may. I can hope that it will find its way to others who are struggling as I am. I can hope that in the sharing of it not only will I feel less alone, but someone else will too. And so that is what I am going to do, despite the rawness, despite the exposure, despite the vulnerability.

And after hours of confusion and pain and hopelessness, my mind is finally growing quiet.

Cracked Cub Online #19 - Don't Face The Facts!!

2008-06-21T13:02:07Z

Direct Link Here
note: I have changed the quote on my page from the one in the cast, in case anyone was wondering

-another bare boner! (har har) no intros etc. until I get my desktop set up in the new place
-putting off my workout
-stress between places
-temporary stuff
-counting calories
-finding calm
-redundant shout outs!
-the magnifilse- mangnafican- MAGNIFICENT pizzababe!
-mattjoeweegie
-avoiding ruts in the new place
-the yawning incident
-validate me!
-working on interaction
-lots of excuses based on facts
-ruth gordon quote
-fuck the facts!
-getting pissy at the children
-happy zen eric!
-riding with ruth's quote
-great things coming soon, but what happens after?
-don't face the facts!

Cracked Cub Online #18 - Space Invaders Suck!!

2008-06-19T08:34:41Z

Direct Link Here
Note: The Itunes feed is working, and it hasn't changed - so if you were already subscribed you're set!

-bare bones cast - no bumpers, intros, etc.
-staying with strangers
-space invaders suck!
-until next time...

talk to me @ 206-666-4164!

Cracked Cub Online #17 - Making Myself Uncomfortable

2008-06-16T13:11:27Z

http://crackedcubonline.com/2008/06/16/cracked-cub-online-17--making-myself-uncomfortable.aspx

- why I left & why I'm back
- revelations in the home town
- making myself uncomfortable
- learning to trust
- technical stuff

Waking Up

2008-06-16T04:15:45Z

The cub is coming out of hibernation! Episode 17 will be up on Monday...